Raising kids' kids a full-time job
BY JILL BRYCE Gazette Reporter

Most people his age are retired or wintering in Florida, but 63-year-old Larry McBride and his wife find themselves on a different path. They are parents again. They are raising their granddaughter, Angelina. It's no part-time arrangement. They have taken full responsibility for the girl's education, health and well-being. They're not alone. An estimated 11,000 children in the Capital Region live in grandparent-headed households, according to New York State Kincare
Coalition.

Statewide, the number is more than 400,000, and reflects a growing national trend of grandparents raising grandchildren. The number of children, including teenagers, raised by grandparents has increased nationally by 30 percent since 1990. On Tuesday at the 2006 Relative Caregiving Forum at the Crowne Plaza in downtown Albany, about 100 grandparents and caregivers talked about the experience of parenting for the second time around. The forum was sponsored by the AARP and New York State Kincare Coalition.

"People can't imagine. These kids have been abandoned," said Kathy Kavanaugh, program coordinator for Kinship Care of Catholic Charities in Albany.
"These grandparents are not raising everyday children. It brings in a whole array of conditions the child has to deal with. They are often in crisis."

The issues the children face run the gamut from fetal alcohol syndrome to mental illness, and many feel abandoned.
"These grandparents are some of the most courageous people you've ever met," said Kavanaugh, who said the numbers of children being raised by grandparents or some other relative has risen at an alarming rate in the Capital Region. In Albany County, there are 292 grandparents responsible for their grandchildren; 768 in Rensselaer County; 720 in
Saratoga County; 716 in Schenectady County; and 726 in Schoharie County, based on 2000 U.S. census figures.

It's estimated the figures have sharply increased since then. Reasons are varied, but in most cases, the natural parent is either addicted to drugs or alcohol and cannot raise the child. Or the natural parent has AIDS, is incarcerated or dead, said Kavanaugh. Kinship Care of Catholic Charities provides support to grandparents by helping them solve problems. Kavanaugh said it will send representatives to court to get rent returned to a grandparent or offer counseling. It will pay to send children to summer camp to give a grandparent a break. McBride and his wife, Patricia, who live in Guilderland, had sold their home and had an apartment. They were ready to "coast" when Larry McBride received a
call out of the blue in 1996 from his daughter, whom he hadn't talked to in years. She asked him for a ride to the hospital. Unbeknownst to her, she was pregnant. She gave birth to a baby girl, but because she was a crack addict, she couldn't care for her daughter. She gave the baby to her parents to raise. They've been raising the child since.

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans," said McBride, who took part in a panel discussion at the conference on Tuesday and shared some of the challenges he faces as a parent/grandparent. He said lack of responsibility and addiction are the reasons so many children have been abandoned by their parents and why grandparents are needed to raise them.

"If we're raising her, who will help her raise her children? " asked McBride, who works as a realty agent and is also a prison minister in his little spare time. Yet, he said, there's joy in the experience of parenting his grandchild. McBride said the responsibility of raising Angelina has made him more positive and proactive. He realizes you cannot hide from problems and they won't just disappear. Many grandparents who attended the forum on Tuesday admit they find themselves impatient with the teenager or other child they are raising. They don't have as much energy as they'd like, and some said communication can be challenging. It can also be difficult for the child to describe the family's dynamics.

Jen Farmer of Albany is raising her 14-year-old grandson.
"I come from the old school. I am very strict. I tell him to clean his room and get A's. He rebels. I tell him, 'You live in my house. I love you. I'm willing to work with you.' If I work with him on his level it works."

The grandparents also speak about how much they enjoy the experience and feel fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to help a grandchild, niece or nephew. Many mentioned that their grandchildren are compassionate, loving and resilient, and said if they had one piece of advice for a grandparent just starting to care for a child, it would be to stay consistent and steady because the child's parents have been so inconsistent. Other suggestions were to be firm but flexible, and show the children they are loved.